Resource Review

Reviewed by Mark Massey

War of Words:
Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles

This is not your normal book on interpersonal communication. If you are looking for a book that explains the four rules of communication, look elsewhere. Paul Tripp goes deeper. As the subtitle says, this book is about getting to the heart.

As Tripp laid out the purpose of our communication as having a higher agenda than self, he did a good job he did a good job of showing how often we only deal with the horizontal need of the moment. The illustration of train tracks representing the two purposes of our words was clarifying: 1) other’s good, 2) God’s Glory. This simple concept of our words not really being about us and our agenda is revolutionary. If you would have asked me I would have said “of course,” but the real applying it to the way I speak to my wife and children is where it becomes revolutionary. I know it is common knowledge, but his statement, “The most powerful idol of all is self,” caused me to think afresh about who I am serving with my words.

He is right in identifying that our communication is a battle within. He writes that we use a lot of "Idol Words." It was easy for me to look back over the last few hours and recognize how I indeed used the words to serve me. I too often don’t even think about what God might want to accomplish in the situation I am in. My reflection on my interaction with my children is too revealing (convicting). As Tripp the explained the reciprocal nature of the two great commands, that our not loving our neighbor as ourselves reveals that we really don’t love god the way we should either, I was truly convicted about my self-idolatry.

The “answer” section is great as well. After seeing myself in the mirror of God’s Word, I am glad Tripp laid out he answers I need so practically. The scriptural basis of his answers brings light and great weight to what he is saying. As we look at where to start growing in using our words for God’s agenda, Tripp encourages us that we need: 1) the courage of honesty 2) the humility of approachability. These are the two character qualities that “slam the door on Satan.” He did a good job of separating out the desires and motivations that we must recognize so that we get a clear picture of what we are really doing. That took me back to the opening when he wrote about our need for a new/different way of looking at life.

I also thought he painted a clear picture of what confrontation is all about. Our communication really has a higher purpose than proclaiming and procuring our expectations. Our purpose in using words should be about God’s will. That makes a lot of difference in how we work through issues with our children. I also see this as impacting every area of our lives. I look back over the years and crystal clear memories of my words scream idolatry. Both with the troubled boys I worked with and with fellow staff members I can see where I was totally blinded to seeing God’s plan in the midst of difficulties. I have seen where I have “compromised truth with harshness, insensitivity,” etc.

The little sequence he put together on self control was excellent; “No! Stop! Wait. Pray. Think. Speak.” I don’t like to think about how many situations where I didn’t, but I could have brought honor to God by understanding that a situation was designed by Him to accomplish His redemptive plan.

Communication is one of the hot buttons in personal problems. If you can look back over the last few days and recognize that you have room to grow in using your words, this is a great resource. It will challenge you to evaluate the motives and desires that drive your words, then it will show you how to deal biblically with confrontation and daily interpersonal communication. Buy it. Read it. Apply it. Grow.